Cold

The amber lights made me feel calm

I never felt so indifferent

I never felt so exhausted

Cold rooms and cold stares

Cold hearts and cold lives

 

Please don’t touch me

I think if you do I’ll break

I want to break these walls

That looked just like a prison

Not a home –

For people with confused minds and lives

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12/31/16 – Room 33

I never make personal posts because I don’t feel like they matter or that what I have to say matters. I need to write though. I need to indulge in positive things or everything will completely go to shit.

I was committed for almost a week so everything is completely surreal to me. I thought I’d never go home. I’m lucky that I got to go home and I miss J so very much but I don’t think we’ll ever talk again.

Her smile was so beautiful it made my heart melt. Somehow I was able to talk to her like she was a long-lost best friend. We both have the same issues.

She probably forgot about me already but I miss her so much.

I saw her crying looking at a picture of her children. I asked her if she was okay and used corny pick-up lines to cheer her up.

Then we were friends just like that.

She said, “You look so sad when you laugh” or something like that, and that really hit me hard because it’s true. She was able to see through my facade.

She heated blankets in the dryer and gave one to me. We snuggled close by each other in the chairs in the Commons area. We watched TV, late night food bingeing and there was so much laughter I almost forgot that we were in a psych hospital.

I was discharged and they wouldn’t let me tell her goodbye. I was going to give her a stupid adult coloring book page, with my favorite song on the back. Of course the fucking cunts wouldn’t let me say goodbye.

Room 27 was mine and her room was Room 33. I saw her room and she barricaded herself in. She was worried that her ex-husband was after her and I thought that was a reasonable thing to do. We’ve both went through a lot of abuse and stalking.

I miss you, J. I wish you well and I love you.