Abuse Does Not Define You

When I crossed the stage of my 8th grade graduation I had no idea what the next few years had in store for me. Graduating from 8th grade was a big thing for every junior high teen, but for me, it was just worrying about what my boyfriend at the time was going to do to me. I was foolish and thought he cared for me. This man has never cared about a single person in his life. Sure, it’s because he was abused, that’s why he abuses and lies, right? It’s not his fault, Emily. It was never his fault, right? Wrong. This man has ripped the innocence out of me and now I’m filled with hatred and bitterness. Have I always been this way? No. Not until he came into my life and made me wish I was dead.  My name is Emily Darling and I dated a sociopath for 2 years and he stalked me for 2 years after.  Now, you might be wondering why I would stay, right? There are many reasons why. He played mind games with me and made me feel like I was making things up. He lied constantly and never said anything to support me. He’d get mad and call me names and made everything my fault. He was jealous of every person in my life and tried to isolate me from the people I loved.

Most of my abuse was emotional and sexual. He slapped me once on my side, choked me for sexual gratification and I thought I had to do what he said. In high school “Everyone is doing it” so that’s what I was supposed to do? At least that’s what I thought and it made me sick and hate myself. Never did I want to do sexual stuff willingly. He pushed me to the edge so many times that I wanted to kill myself. My body started to get thinner and thinner and my heart and mind were turning into a confused mess. I self-harmed constantly and did my best to hide the cuts underneath my clothes. Not until 3 years ago did I finally stop cutting. I relapsed once. This has been a weight on my heart, head, and shoulders.

This man has lied to everyone in his life. It has never been his fault. He plays the victim and he likes it. All the abuse done to him is nothing compared to what he does to others. He’s a sociopath and he always will be.

He’s a chronic liar and he has stolen things from his own family and friends. He’s very manipulative and he will do his best to get his way. These things aren’t normal. These things aren’t right and a person shouldn’t be able to affect someone so greatly, but this is the reality of the situation. There are people like this all around us and sometimes you just can’t tell.

My ex-best friend believes him over me.  You just can’t understand or comprehend something so large and scary –  unless it happens to you. Should I blame her? I do but I don’t because she was manipulated by him too. All his friends are toxic too and I fought my hardest to keep my friends safe from this toxic man who is a misogynist piece of shit.

I told the police everything I could.  I wrote out everything that happened to me on 3 pieces of paper (my statements) and handed it to them. It’s out of my hands now and I just need to leave this all behind. It’s hard but I need to. I’m hoping writing about this will help me. I really hope that Karma will get him. I believe in good Karma and I’ve always wanted to help people and I think I can now that I posted this. Please, don’t let someone treat you so badly. Never stay quiet. Speak up and tell whoever loves you what’s going on. Don’t fight it alone like I did. It will save you from it eating away at you and your whole life.  I’m 21 and this has followed me ever since. I was only 15/16 when all of this happened to me. No matter what anyone says, please speak up. If the person threatens you, call the police. Please know that you’re loved and people DO care for you and they will protect you if you let them. That was my mistake. I thought I could handle everything on my own and I couldn’t. Abuse doesn’t define you. Keep your head up and stay strong!

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High School Relationships and Manipulation

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My Junior year. With my high school best friend.

High school is a difficult place for every teenager.  There’s that transition from middle school, (where it’s completely different in many ways) and then you’re a Freshman in a huge school where you barely have any classes with your friends anymore, and that’s when things start to internalize and isolation may be something that comes naturally. At least, that was my experience starting out in high school.  I graduated from high school last year, and I’ve been thinking about writing about this subject for a long time.  I finally got up the courage to.

I wanted to talk about high school relationships.  Which seems to be so important in high school- it’s unbelievable. I fell into that peer-pressure of needing to be in one, because in high school you never wanted to feel like you’re out of place.  I won’t get into specific details, but my first high school relationship was far from what you call a “normal” or “typical” one.  It has cost me friendships, my trust in other people, and hurt feelings.

My boyfriend Freshman year was the only thing I truly cared about.  He was either 17/18, and I was either 15/ 16;  I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my life, and having to depend on someone else was perfect for me.  He seemed like a very nice guy, and he told me everything a 16-year-old would want to hear.  The age difference was just the beginning to the trouble.

It wasn’t long until long after dating him that I realized he had a bad relationship with his family.  They were abusive towards him, and of course he used that as a tool to manipulate me. (Not that abused people automatically abuse others.)  He lied constantly, and of course flirted with other girls.  This made me very depressed because I thought that this relationship was the world and I needed to keep him in my life. (Although my parents did not like him.)

I started self-harming a year before meeting him, and it just escalated and I was very depressed and my self-esteem was nonexistent.   High school didn’t help.  I stressed over my math class, usually high school drama, and so on.

I’ve never met a person so manipulative.  He twisted my words, and told me I was acting crazy-  never once telling me the truth.  My family helped him since his never wanted to.  Once in the hallway at school, I was arguing with him and he said something inappropriate (about me) to his friend.  I nudged him to stop and he took his hand and slapped me hard on my hip.

It left a hand print.   Now not only is it emotional abuse, it’s physical abuse as well.   This is never okay.

Jump to a few years ago after breaking ties with him, being harassed by him; blocking him on everything else – I befriend another girlfriend of his, and I found out that he lied to her and did the same things.  I also found out that he was kicked out of a school for being accused of raping a girl.

I wanted to include some warning signs, or things to look for if you’re in a first-time relationship with someone.

If you’re dating a person older than you, even if they’re only a few years older:  Talk to your parents! You need their permission, and say on this subject. 

I know, I know. Why would you want to do that? Your parents are very intuitive. They are your parents after all. They will be able to see first-hand if this person is okay for you to hang out with/date. Please don’t be mean to your parents. They care about you!

If their story changes radically they’re probably lying. 

People who tend to be dishonest will eventually be caught in a lie. If they tell you something and then later on some detail changes; or they completely deny ever telling you that- there’s a high chance that they’re lying.  If they get super defensive over you asking a simple question, there’s something more to the story.

If people tell you to stay clear of them. Listen. 

I was told many times about my ex-boyfriend that he was no good. I didn’t listen.  Start talking to the people who tell you this kind of stuff: it might help you in the long run.

Never let a person talk down to you. Push you around, or put their hands on you. That’s the last straw. 

It can be hard to walk away and cut someone out of your life for good.  It’s very important for you to do so.

Lastly, talk to your family (AGAIN)/friends and let them know what you’re going through. 

If you don’t tell them, they won’t know.

Thank you so much for reading. Please share if you know someone in an abusive relationship.