Update + About me Tag

Hello everyone,

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while. I just haven’t been inspired much and I’ve been busy with college. I’m now currently on Spring break from college so I’m hoping to post a few of these tags occasionally. If you have a Tumblr, feel free to follow me at http://cr0ssyourheart.tumblr.com/  I’m much more active there!

I occasionally get tagged in things on tumblr so I thought I’d share a tagged post so that you can get to know me me more! I think these are fun to do and maybe you should do them too! I’d love to read them! :)


Can you fill this out without lying? 

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Chinese food

2. Where was your blog picture taken?  Dining room

3. Worst pain you’ve ever experienced? Dating a sociopath for 2 years (long story lol)

4. How many times have you been married? None

5. How late did you stay up last night? 2am

6. If you could move somewhere else, where would it be? Probably to Pennsylvannia because that’s where my favorite person lives @mykeowns :D

7. Do any of your tumblr friends live close to you? Only about 3?

8. When was the last time you cried? Probably a month ago

9. Who took your profile picture? Me

10. (does anyone know what happened to ten?)

11. How many marriage proposals have you had? none

12. If you could have any career, what would it be? Counselor/School counselor

13. What was the last book you read? The fourth? book of the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon

14. If you could talk to ANYONE right now, who would it be? My best friend Cierra. I miss her TONS

15. Are you a good influence? Decent enough lol

16. Does pineapple belong on a pizza? sure, do what you like

17. You have the remote, what channel will you watch? Adult swim

18. Whom do you think will play along? idk :)

19. Have you graduated from university? No

20. Your favourite football team? None, don’t watch it

 

I tag whoever reads this to do it!

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Hope without Bandages

(Trigger Warning)

I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar affective disorder.

This was written when I relapsed some time ago. I thought I’d share.

I’m proud to say I’m officially done with this part of my life. I will never need to break disposable razors for the blades. I don’t miss having to hide my body and I don’t miss the scars and I don’t miss the way it calmed me.  I really want everyone to know that cutting is something that will become an addiction once you start. At least that was my experience and I don’t wish it upon anyone.  I remember sitting on the bathroom floor the day I cut myself too deep and it really had me questioning what the fuck I was doing. Why harm yourself when everyone else tries to harm you too? This world is full of people who want to hurt you and why hurt yourself even more? I don’t miss cutting myself. I remember when I did though. Self – harm is still an issue and it starts at a young age. People don’t stop cutting until they scare themselves by cutting too deep. Well, I can’t say that for a fact but that’s the way it happened for me.

“Each cut, each scar, each burn, a different mood or time. I told him what the first one was, told him where the second one came from. I remembered them all. And for the first time in my life I felt beautiful. Finally part of the earth. I touched the soil and he loved me back.” – Secretary


Self- hatred is so comfortable to me and it has never gone away.

I’ve found hope in bood and razor blades

I’ve found beauty in cuts and bandages

Bleeding has been the easiest part of life

Bruises on my heart can show for it

Abuse Does Not Define You

When I crossed the stage of my 8th grade graduation I had no idea what the next few years had in store for me. Graduating from 8th grade was a big thing for every junior high teen, but for me, it was just worrying about what my boyfriend at the time was going to do to me. I was foolish and thought he cared for me. This man has never cared about a single person in his life. Sure, it’s because he was abused, that’s why he abuses and lies, right? It’s not his fault, Emily. It was never his fault, right? Wrong. This man has ripped the innocence out of me and now I’m filled with hatred and bitterness. Have I always been this way? No. Not until he came into my life and made me wish I was dead.  My name is Emily Darling and I dated a sociopath for 2 years and he stalked me for 2 years after.  Now, you might be wondering why I would stay, right? There are many reasons why. He played mind games with me and made me feel like I was making things up. He lied constantly and never said anything to support me. He’d get mad and call me names and made everything my fault. He was jealous of every person in my life and tried to isolate me from the people I loved.

Most of my abuse was emotional and sexual. He slapped me once on my side, choked me for sexual gratification and I thought I had to do what he said. In high school “Everyone is doing it” so that’s what I was supposed to do? At least that’s what I thought and it made me sick and hate myself. Never did I want to do sexual stuff willingly. He pushed me to the edge so many times that I wanted to kill myself. My body started to get thinner and thinner and my heart and mind were turning into a confused mess. I self-harmed constantly and did my best to hide the cuts underneath my clothes. Not until 3 years ago did I finally stop cutting. I relapsed once. This has been a weight on my heart, head, and shoulders.

This man has lied to everyone in his life. It has never been his fault. He plays the victim and he likes it. All the abuse done to him is nothing compared to what he does to others. He’s a sociopath and he always will be.

He’s a chronic liar and he has stolen things from his own family and friends. He’s very manipulative and he will do his best to get his way. These things aren’t normal. These things aren’t right and a person shouldn’t be able to affect someone so greatly, but this is the reality of the situation. There are people like this all around us and sometimes you just can’t tell.

My ex-best friend believes him over me.  You just can’t understand or comprehend something so large and scary –  unless it happens to you. Should I blame her? I do but I don’t because she was manipulated by him too. All his friends are toxic too and I fought my hardest to keep my friends safe from this toxic man who is a misogynist piece of shit.

I told the police everything I could.  I wrote out everything that happened to me on 3 pieces of paper (my statements) and handed it to them. It’s out of my hands now and I just need to leave this all behind. It’s hard but I need to. I’m hoping writing about this will help me. I really hope that Karma will get him. I believe in good Karma and I’ve always wanted to help people and I think I can now that I posted this. Please, don’t let someone treat you so badly. Never stay quiet. Speak up and tell whoever loves you what’s going on. Don’t fight it alone like I did. It will save you from it eating away at you and your whole life.  I’m 21 and this has followed me ever since. I was only 15/16 when all of this happened to me. No matter what anyone says, please speak up. If the person threatens you, call the police. Please know that you’re loved and people DO care for you and they will protect you if you let them. That was my mistake. I thought I could handle everything on my own and I couldn’t. Abuse doesn’t define you. Keep your head up and stay strong!

12/31/16 – Room 33

I never make personal posts because I don’t feel like they matter or that what I have to say matters. I need to write though. I need to indulge in positive things or everything will completely go to shit.

I was committed for almost a week so everything is completely surreal to me. I thought I’d never go home. I’m lucky that I got to go home and I miss J so very much but I don’t think we’ll ever talk again.

Her smile was so beautiful it made my heart melt. Somehow I was able to talk to her like she was a long-lost best friend. We both have the same issues.

She probably forgot about me already but I miss her so much.

I saw her crying looking at a picture of her children. I asked her if she was okay and used corny pick-up lines to cheer her up.

Then we were friends just like that.

She said, “You look so sad when you laugh” or something like that, and that really hit me hard because it’s true. She was able to see through my facade.

She heated blankets in the dryer and gave one to me. We snuggled close by each other in the chairs in the Commons area. We watched TV, late night food bingeing and there was so much laughter I almost forgot that we were in a psych hospital.

I was discharged and they wouldn’t let me tell her goodbye. I was going to give her a stupid adult coloring book page, with my favorite song on the back. Of course the fucking cunts wouldn’t let me say goodbye.

Room 27 was mine and her room was Room 33. I saw her room and she barricaded herself in. She was worried that her ex-husband was after her and I thought that was a reasonable thing to do. We’ve both went through a lot of abuse and stalking.

I miss you, J. I wish you well and I love you.

High School Relationships and Manipulation

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My Junior year. With my high school best friend.

High school is a difficult place for every teenager.  There’s that transition from middle school, (where it’s completely different in many ways) and then you’re a Freshman in a huge school where you barely have any classes with your friends anymore, and that’s when things start to internalize and isolation may be something that comes naturally. At least, that was my experience starting out in high school.  I graduated from high school last year, and I’ve been thinking about writing about this subject for a long time.  I finally got up the courage to.

I wanted to talk about high school relationships.  Which seems to be so important in high school- it’s unbelievable. I fell into that peer-pressure of needing to be in one, because in high school you never wanted to feel like you’re out of place.  I won’t get into specific details, but my first high school relationship was far from what you call a “normal” or “typical” one.  It has cost me friendships, my trust in other people, and hurt feelings.

My boyfriend Freshman year was the only thing I truly cared about.  He was either 17/18, and I was either 15/ 16;  I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my life, and having to depend on someone else was perfect for me.  He seemed like a very nice guy, and he told me everything a 16-year-old would want to hear.  The age difference was just the beginning to the trouble.

It wasn’t long until long after dating him that I realized he had a bad relationship with his family.  They were abusive towards him, and of course he used that as a tool to manipulate me. (Not that abused people automatically abuse others.)  He lied constantly, and of course flirted with other girls.  This made me very depressed because I thought that this relationship was the world and I needed to keep him in my life. (Although my parents did not like him.)

I started self-harming a year before meeting him, and it just escalated and I was very depressed and my self-esteem was nonexistent.   High school didn’t help.  I stressed over my math class, usually high school drama, and so on.

I’ve never met a person so manipulative.  He twisted my words, and told me I was acting crazy-  never once telling me the truth.  My family helped him since his never wanted to.  Once in the hallway at school, I was arguing with him and he said something inappropriate (about me) to his friend.  I nudged him to stop and he took his hand and slapped me hard on my hip.

It left a hand print.   Now not only is it emotional abuse, it’s physical abuse as well.   This is never okay.

Jump to a few years ago after breaking ties with him, being harassed by him; blocking him on everything else – I befriend another girlfriend of his, and I found out that he lied to her and did the same things.  I also found out that he was kicked out of a school for being accused of raping a girl.

I wanted to include some warning signs, or things to look for if you’re in a first-time relationship with someone.

If you’re dating a person older than you, even if they’re only a few years older:  Talk to your parents! You need their permission, and say on this subject. 

I know, I know. Why would you want to do that? Your parents are very intuitive. They are your parents after all. They will be able to see first-hand if this person is okay for you to hang out with/date. Please don’t be mean to your parents. They care about you!

If their story changes radically they’re probably lying. 

People who tend to be dishonest will eventually be caught in a lie. If they tell you something and then later on some detail changes; or they completely deny ever telling you that- there’s a high chance that they’re lying.  If they get super defensive over you asking a simple question, there’s something more to the story.

If people tell you to stay clear of them. Listen. 

I was told many times about my ex-boyfriend that he was no good. I didn’t listen.  Start talking to the people who tell you this kind of stuff: it might help you in the long run.

Never let a person talk down to you. Push you around, or put their hands on you. That’s the last straw. 

It can be hard to walk away and cut someone out of your life for good.  It’s very important for you to do so.

Lastly, talk to your family (AGAIN)/friends and let them know what you’re going through. 

If you don’t tell them, they won’t know.

Thank you so much for reading. Please share if you know someone in an abusive relationship.