I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar affective disorder.
This was written when I relapsed some time ago. I thought I’d share.
I’m proud to say I’m officially done with this part of my life. I will never need to break disposable razors for the blades. I don’t miss having to hide my body and I don’t miss the scars and I don’t miss the way it calmed me. I really want everyone to know that cutting is something that will become an addiction once you start. At least that was my experience and I don’t wish it upon anyone. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor the day I cut myself too deep and it really had me questioning what the fuck I was doing. Why harm yourself when everyone else tries to harm you too? This world is full of people who want to hurt you and why hurt yourself even more? I don’t miss cutting myself. I remember when I did though. Self – harm is still an issue and it starts at a young age. People don’t stop cutting until they scare themselves by cutting too deep. Well, I can’t say that for a fact but that’s the way it happened for me.
“Each cut, each scar, each burn, a different mood or time. I told him what the first one was, told him where the second one came from. I remembered them all. And for the first time in my life I felt beautiful. Finally part of the earth. I touched the soil and he loved me back.” – Secretary
Self- hatred is so comfortable to me and it has never gone away.
I’ve found hope in bood and razor blades
I’ve found beauty in cuts and bandages
Bleeding has been the easiest part of life
Bruises on my heart can show for it
I’m so tired of my emotions lately. I really wish I could just shut off my mind so I wouldn’t think so much. Does anyone else feel that way? I’m so frustrated. I want to be noticed for who I am and not to be used by someone. My whole life I’ve been used by other people. I care too much so now I’m stuck with this overwhelming feeling of anxious knots in my stomach. I hate this feeling and I just want it to go away.
I fell into your life
Now you’re falling head first into mine
And I’m unsure if I want that
You’re falling head first
I’m clinging onto my old life
The amber lights made me feel calm
I never felt so indifferent
I never felt so exhausted
Cold rooms and cold stares
Cold hearts and cold lives
Please don’t touch me
I think if you do I’ll break
I want to break these walls
That looked just like a prison
Not a home –
For people with confused minds and lives
I’ve only felt half of myself,
When I would be held by a boy who hid his intentions in his eyes.
Only half of himself
Only half of myself
Only have of myself never considered,
That a man was my only choice.
Years have passed and I’m 75% of myself
Only learning that I don’t need a person
To be whole
I’ve been kissed by a lost girl
Who hid behind botched poetry
And a false smile
I’m still learning
100% is unrealistic
Perfection is a myth
It seems that in the spring
My lungs are filled with fresh air
My mind is clearer than the years before
Winter is bitter and unkind
Seasonal depression lingers
At the back of my mind
Is there something blooming?
Something visceral and deafening
I’ve never paid attention to the seasons
Besides the falling of the autumn leaves
The spring is so peaceful and calming
Which has bypassed me for years
This spring I am without scars or regrets
I am thankful
If you stripped me down to nothing
Could I still be your everything?
I used to feel my lungs collapse
Against my chest
I felt everything
Now my lungs are functional
And my throat doesn’t tighten
My stomach doesn’t ache
I still have this echoing voice
That says it will soon return
I don’t know how I feel about this – I haven’t written anything I really liked in a while. Thought I’d post though so I can try to stay consistent with my blog posts. Thanks for reading!
And if I’ve learned from my mistakes
I’d swallow my words
Cut them into little pieces
No more written notes, poems, or excessive thoughts
And If I’ve learned from my mistakes
My chest won’t tighten
And I won’t have to fight
These fucking mistakes