Experimenting with Film Photography

Lately, I’ve been inspired by my dad’s old film camera, which is a Minolta Maxxum 7000 50 mm  film camera.  I’ve been dropping off film at Walmart weekly (monthly now, I’ve been slacking)  it seems because of how many I’ve gone through, and I wait excitedly to get the photos back.  It doesn’t matter to me if they don’t come out the way I want them to, as long as I’m experimenting and learning as I go. I love the aesthetic of film photography! Here are a few of my favorite photos:

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I love this one for the shadow of my cat, Bushko.

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I’ll  be making a gallery on my blog soon so check for that for more film photography!

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Falling

I’m so tired of my emotions lately.  I really wish I could just shut off my mind so I wouldn’t think so much. Does anyone else feel that way? I’m so frustrated. I want to be noticed for who I am and not to be used by someone. My whole life I’ve been used by other people. I care too much so now I’m stuck with this overwhelming feeling of anxious knots  in my stomach. I hate this feeling and I just want it to go away.


I fell into your life

Now you’re falling head first into mine

And I’m unsure if I want that

You’re falling head first

I’m clinging onto my old life

Without you

Cold

The amber lights made me feel calm

I never felt so indifferent

I never felt so exhausted

Cold rooms and cold stares

Cold hearts and cold lives

 

Please don’t touch me

I think if you do I’ll break

I want to break these walls

That looked just like a prison

Not a home –

For people with confused minds and lives

Abuse Does Not Define You

When I crossed the stage of my 8th grade graduation I had no idea what the next few years had in store for me. Graduating from 8th grade was a big thing for every junior high teen, but for me, it was just worrying about what my boyfriend at the time was going to do to me. I was foolish and thought he cared for me. This man has never cared about a single person in his life. Sure, it’s because he was abused, that’s why he abuses and lies, right? It’s not his fault, Emily. It was never his fault, right? Wrong. This man has ripped the innocence out of me and now I’m filled with hatred and bitterness. Have I always been this way? No. Not until he came into my life and made me wish I was dead.  My name is Emily Darling and I dated a sociopath for 2 years and he stalked me for 2 years after.  Now, you might be wondering why I would stay, right? There are many reasons why. He played mind games with me and made me feel like I was making things up. He lied constantly and never said anything to support me. He’d get mad and call me names and made everything my fault. He was jealous of every person in my life and tried to isolate me from the people I loved.

Most of my abuse was emotional and sexual. He slapped me once on my side, choked me for sexual gratification and I thought I had to do what he said. In high school “Everyone is doing it” so that’s what I was supposed to do? At least that’s what I thought and it made me sick and hate myself. Never did I want to do sexual stuff willingly. He pushed me to the edge so many times that I wanted to kill myself. My body started to get thinner and thinner and my heart and mind were turning into a confused mess. I self-harmed constantly and did my best to hide the cuts underneath my clothes. Not until 3 years ago did I finally stop cutting. I relapsed once. This has been a weight on my heart, head, and shoulders.

This man has lied to everyone in his life. It has never been his fault. He plays the victim and he likes it. All the abuse done to him is nothing compared to what he does to others. He’s a sociopath and he always will be.

He’s a chronic liar and he has stolen things from his own family and friends. He’s very manipulative and he will do his best to get his way. These things aren’t normal. These things aren’t right and a person shouldn’t be able to affect someone so greatly, but this is the reality of the situation. There are people like this all around us and sometimes you just can’t tell.

My ex-best friend believes him over me.  You just can’t understand or comprehend something so large and scary –  unless it happens to you. Should I blame her? I do but I don’t because she was manipulated by him too. All his friends are toxic too and I fought my hardest to keep my friends safe from this toxic man who is a misogynist piece of shit.

I told the police everything I could.  I wrote out everything that happened to me on 3 pieces of paper (my statements) and handed it to them. It’s out of my hands now and I just need to leave this all behind. It’s hard but I need to. I’m hoping writing about this will help me. I really hope that Karma will get him. I believe in good Karma and I’ve always wanted to help people and I think I can now that I posted this. Please, don’t let someone treat you so badly. Never stay quiet. Speak up and tell whoever loves you what’s going on. Don’t fight it alone like I did. It will save you from it eating away at you and your whole life.  I’m 21 and this has followed me ever since. I was only 15/16 when all of this happened to me. No matter what anyone says, please speak up. If the person threatens you, call the police. Please know that you’re loved and people DO care for you and they will protect you if you let them. That was my mistake. I thought I could handle everything on my own and I couldn’t. Abuse doesn’t define you. Keep your head up and stay strong!